The Plunge
Now that I am in my 40s, I accept the full responsibility for my laziness, lack of discretion, hubris and folly that led to that dramatic plunge. Truly, pride comes before a fall.
Hubris was the very air I breathed. Like all proud people, I was simultaneously painfully insecure and woefully arrogant about my scant abilities and achievements. Having grown up very insecure and constantly looking for external validation, I hoped majoring in law would earn me the approval I craved from my mother. Long before my mother accepted Christ, our family was fraught with the tension of constant comparison. Indeed, when news spread among family friends that I would be reading law, my social status went from ignominy to celebrity, at least among my mother's friends. All that flattery only added fuel to what would become the tinderbox of my shame later.
Steeped in my love for all things East Asian, I was hurried off by a dear friend to a fundamental Baptist church to be saved or born again. In this little congregation, I finally understood and accepted the fact that salvation is found in no other name, than Jesus Christ. So on Christmas eve, I formally gave my heart to Him and prayed the Sinner's Prayer with the kind and vigilant pastor. A profound peace and joy came into my heart. Unfortunately, like the ground that was cluttered with weeds and thorns, my love for the Lord was eventually snuffed out by other distractions such as my love for the world and my Korean boyfriend then. My friends in the little Baptist church were keenly concerned but I ignored them, dismissing them as legalistic and annoying. I clung to my relationship with the Korean boy, moved in with him and lived in sin. All the while, I was confident in my ability to catch up with my studies, because after all, I had done reasonably well for exams in many a last minute cramming in years past. Would university be any different?
By the time I had graduated from junior college, I had amassed many terrible habits. One of which was skipping tutorials and lectures. I boasted in my ability to pass exams fairly well without consistent, daily work. I entered university with this unhealthy mindset, not realizing that the intellectual chasm between junior college and university could only be crossed by a conscientious accumulation of daily learning and diligent application of knowledge, and not the last minute cramming that gave examiners a facade of understanding.
The death stroke came in my second to third year of university. I made the mistake of choosing company law, and insolvency & bankruptcy as areas of focus, rather than majoring on subjects where I had a natural strength and interest, such as medical law and ethics, or choosing to do a thesis in criminology. I still remember vividly the night before my exam for company law. I knew I was not able to sit for the paper the next day. Like the foolish virgins who arrived at Christ's door with too little oil and too late for His acceptance, I wept, knowing I had screwed up my life. That night I came across a passage describing David trying on Saul's armor and removing it because the armor did not fit him well. It was a poignant realization for me, that I had chosen subjects that were ill-fitted to my aptitude and interests.
I skipped my graduation ceremony. And told my parents not to come to the UK. I returned to Singapore absolutely defeated by my lofty ideals and meager capacity to reach them. By then I had already broken off contact with friends from the little Baptist church. I had no real degree, no hope and no God.